I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
You Might Also Like
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames