EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
New favorite tiktok
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.