Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I already tried new things thanks.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Why font matters.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
are there any atheist mantises?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.