Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess