getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs