[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.