My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You Might Also Like
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat