[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Hitlers gonna hitl
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.