Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.