“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You Might Also Like
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”