I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
where the womens at?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!