me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news