Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”