Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”