Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”