I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You Might Also Like
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Tony Hawk, age 6
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.