Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I gave up going to work for lent.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
(by @ZachWeiner )
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.