It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
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Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.