If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.