Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Liquor Store Parking
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult