god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?