Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
so this horse walks into a bar
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
no cat here
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?