*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
October already? What’s next? November????
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.