wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones