If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
wtf management?!
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.