I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’m giving up ice.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice