definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
#Caturday
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My Guy
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.