the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.