Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*