Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I can also cook 😂
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.