“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no