WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.