*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.