[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir