LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.