I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of