who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.