*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
it must be school picture day
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
This story is comedy gold 😂
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months