Harsh but fair
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.