I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.