[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Phonetics
and this one
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.