[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
We’ve all been there…
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific