Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣