a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Chemical wingman