ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
just make the entire table out of coaster
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be