This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.