I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?