Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Bros before Ohioes
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”