Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.