I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.